I don’t

*** Only read if you do not have the emotional range of a tea spoon. (Harry Potter pun intended) ***

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, at times it feels like I have no answer. Full stop.
It pains me to admit this, but I am tired of pretending. The fight for control about all the questions and decisions in me is exhausting- so here it is. The truth.

I have no idea why I am writing these words,
no idea why I even spend time meditating and finding myself or creating myself or whatever you wish to call it.
I have no idea what I want from life in general and where I’m going, only that the road is taking me on and I am changing.
I have no idea if this is the truth or if I am just too scared to say what I really wish for.
I have no idea if these changes in my life are good or bad or just good because they are new.
I have no idea if I want to stay a teacher or do interior design, or both, or if this is a distraction.
I have no idea what I feel for whom, I only know there are so many feelings inside me I wish there was an off-switch.
I have no idea what to do at New Year’s Eve and no idea where to spend it.
I have no idea why it even bothers me not to have all the answers.
I have no idea if I am asking the wrong questions or going the wrong way or asking too many questions.
I have no idea why I should care.
I have no idea if I am right or wrong in having a flatmate.
I have no idea if all this wondering and feeling and connecting to myself is even worth it.

There. No idea. I just don’t know.

How often do I hear “I do not know“ by students? Too many times to count.
To throw my own words in my face:
“Not yet.“