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The last value 8/8

It has taken me forever to decide on this one. I was afraid to choose wrong! Omg! Curiosity. Inner peace and stillness. Self-reliance. Respect. The willingness to accept and enforce change. Loyalty. Forgiving.

I value all of them, and I find it hard to choose. Luckily, nobody in this world forces me to stick to these values forever, right? I mean, this is me, now.
Who knows what my future self will feel like and appreciate? Maybe she will ome day look back and say, “Ok, that was me.. then“, and “This is me, now. Some values have changed. Some have remained of crucial importance. That is fine.“

This version of me chooses loyalty. Closeness (7/8) and loyalty (8/8) – not to others, to myself – are part of the change I’d like to see in my life. Maybe this is why I needed to work up the nerve to write about them, at the end of my list?

I know I am a loyal persom, to my family, my friends, my pets; I was loyal to my ex- partners. Some say, too loyal, but I am no longer judging my younger self, nor do I judge myself so harshly these days.

This is me, after all. I do not leave when things go bad. I try to make them better. When people I care about make “mistakes“ (I do not like this word, feel free to agree, but I still lack a better one), I do not turn my back on them. I believe the best of them, even if they might not be showing it. You can count on me to be there, like when my mum is sick and my dad needs a shoulder to lean on or my sister someone to share her tears. I did not leave any of my partners when the going got rough, because they had trouble at university or in their career or we had to move, or went long-distance, or whatever; I stuck. Same with my dates: I normally give them the benefit of the doubt even though things might not go smoothly. Sometimes that worked out fine, other times it didn’t. It always felt right to me, then.

What I feel I need to improve is applying this loyalty that seems to be part of my character to myself. Often I miss the point when I should be loyal to myself (and take care of myself…) instead of to others – and practise this self-caring loyalty too late.

Loyalty to self sounds egoistic and quite selfish to me, to be honest *scratching my nose* . But applying what I said above seems simple and not a bad thing, once I look at it from this perspective…

I need to learn to make things better for myself. To forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and be as patient with me as I am with others. To see the good in me. To count on me to be there for myself. To give myself the benefit of the doubt. In other words, to go heart on myself 💜 as much as on others.

And maybe to let someone be my shoulder to lean on, every once in a while, if that is what I need to do to be loyal to myself…

Author: carasmelody

daydreamer, hopelessly hopeful, I love the power of words, I love poems, words are soulfood

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