Scheduling this for Valentine’s day. Those not out for a romantic dinner can have a laugh 😉
After some time of being single, enjoying the “wild & free“ phase after a long-term relationship, me and my friends hit 30. Suddenly everyone seemed to take stock, including me. And decided: it was time to be serious! A friend of mine hat met her serious boyfriend on parship, and with a little encouragement by my sister, I joined.
What surprised me was the extensive questionnaire I had to answer before I could set up my profile- it already made me consider what kind of partner a) I wanted to be b) I wanted to have and c) what mattered to me in a relationship.
The results were brutally honest and true. According to the test, I was more independent than most women, and therefore various characters suited mine. The programm advised me to choose those that were good for me, though (advice I wish I had heeded to in the last three years, but well..). It also stated I needed a partner that gave me freedom to be me plus the security I needed to feel to allow closeness. There were some other bits and pieces about sharing hobbies and interests and adjectives to describe my character, which I discarded, too dumbstruck by the overall result. To say I was not ready for these truths, is an understatement.
After having set up my profile, the messages came. In the beginning, I answered nicely to all of them, but soon it took too much time – I did have a life in the real world, too. So I only focussed on some, though by the life of me I can not tell you what made me select them. Gut feeling might be the wrong word when dealing with a screen?
Here are the highlights of the beginning phase:
1. The confident one. One guy and me shared icecream by the lake. He was quite good looking and did not lack ego – discussed his sexual preferences without a pause and planned for me to join his gym. Needless to say he did not take “no“ kindly…
2. Another, this one German, and me shared coffee by the lake in a city my friends and me called “date central“. 😉 He then explained he wanted separate bills, because this was his first of three dates that day, and he could not be expected to pay for all of them. I felt so special I did not even wait for us to get up to tell him where he could shove it…
3. Mr I wish I could. This one was pretty great and I would have loved to have feelings for him. He was funny, easygoing, totally in sync with himself and gorgeous. We met three times and he cooked for me, yet I did not want him for dessert, to be honest. It was a shame.
4. Mr Church was a shock to me. He seemed totally cool at our first date, wanted to bring me to his church on the second one though and go to mass with me. I was utterly speechless.
5. Mr No-Show. He flirted and courted me for quite some time, then did not show up at our set date. Did not answer his phone. Texted two hours later he was in a meeting, if we could reschedule? How about no.
6. The choice. I dated him around Christmas time when I was feeling terribly lonely. It lasted for about six weeks. We shared easy laughs and a love for travelling, which I liked. However, our story had the romance of a puddle of snow, which I chose to ignore until, well. Let’s say not even THAT could convince me. He was the last before my one year contract ended.
I had dated many men in this year, many of which I do not remember regrettably. All of them (but Mr No Show) were very seriously interested in having a relationship.
It took me a while to figure out, that this did not automatically mean they were interested in me. I feel some were rather interested in the way I could provide them with their lifeplan, but did not care about me as a person. Destined to fail.
What I also noticed was that around only a few I dared to be me, but mostly felt like set-up me, in a way. Destined to fail, too.
Others immediately fell into the “friends“ category and we had good times. I valued them and our times, yet I could not push the button “fall in love, silly!“ I agree with many of my friends that sometimes all you need is time for something to develop; but there has to be SOMETHING that wants you to find out. Destined to fail, sadly though.
All in all, humour and entertainment aside, what I learned from these dates was firstly that I got along with all kinds of types, for lack of a better word.. and that I did not have a clue what I wanted in a man, so no type or guy fit. I knew I wanted to fall in love, sure. Honestly, who does not? It is a great feeling. Somehow, I had not yet, however, found my inner balance, so at that time I realised that no man was right for me, unless I started figuring out how to regain it for myself. Starting by cleaning up my boxes hidden with thorns, and going soulsearching. Tedious, I tell you.
And for opening my eyes to that fact I am grateful and therefore do not regret my online dating phase. However, I take my odds in real life these days!