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Notes to self (i.e. the inner monitor self that monitors the wrong things…)

I had an epiphany on my way home from school today, driving and listening to my beloved Backstreet Boys. After more than a week of sickness and no sports/ dancing and no meeting friends, I have had some time for honest introspection and for an evaluation.

Note to self: I should stop monitoring myself when it comes to things I should do or get done. It is better to explicitly pay attention to how much time I spend with people/ activities that make me smile and enforce these 🙂

So, no more… Have I been to the gym enough times? Have I called that friend I had not seen in forever to tell her I am in the neighbourhood (even though after the day I had, I honestly only wanted to put my feet up)? Have I shaved my legs before he came to dinner? Have I made my bed today? I could go on forever. It is sad how often I feel I have to do something. Even when I was sick, for crying out loud, I hardly allowed myself to, well, be sick and sleep it off, but thought I had to load the washing machine.

Note to self: Dirty laundry does not care if it is clean. Neither should you, as long as you have pjs to wear when you are sick. Self care means you take care of yourself first, not of your flat or to do list:)

This often automatically dutiful behaviour of mine seriously gives me the creeps sometimes. I do what should be done. At the end of the day, however, in the sum of my minutes, hours, moments, it comes down to this: having done what should be done does not matter. It does not satisfy. It is not enough. It does not fulfill me. It does not bring me real joy.

Note to self: Doing what you should does not matter. Mindfulness directs your mind on doing what makes you happy. 🙂 And that matters.

Therefore, what matters is that I go to the gym because my body is restless and needs ecercise, or I yearn for the sauna and wish to spend my time enjoying the warmth and peace there.
What matters is that I dance because I miss it when I can’t. Because my feet start dancing automatically. 😉 What matters is that I spend my time with people I like to listen to and spend time with.
What matters is that I can not wait to see him, always. He has proven he does not care if I am wearing pjs or am dressed up, he always looks at me the same way. 🙂

What matters is that I close my eyes happily when I go to bed at night.

Note to self, to control-freak me: Write this down. (Check!) as this is what matters.

Author: carasmelody

daydreamer, hopelessly hopeful, I love the power of words, I love poems, words are soulfood

3 thoughts on “Notes to self (i.e. the inner monitor self that monitors the wrong things…)”

  1. Schon schlimm eigentlich, dass man sich nicht mal erlaubt, wirklich krank zu sein. Deshalb liebe ich es, in irgendwelchen Hotels im Bett zu liegen, zu lesen und zu chillen: Weil einen dann keine Hausarbeit quält, die DRINGEND erledigt werden muss …


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