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Dancing was the aim

Dancing has always brought me joy. I feel free when I am dancing, and real and lighthearted and true to myself.πŸ’• I love the woman I have become thanks to dancing. I love learning new things, and I enjoy that there has not been any aim in dancing for me. Dancing itself was the aim and was good for me.

In January, I had finally found a new dance partner that fit (after months of having problems finding one). πŸ™‚πŸ™‚πŸ™‚He was fun to dance with, a bit more experienced than me, but he also wanted to improve as a dancer, like me. We worked well together, and I felt like I had developed individually.😍
Of course, once a week I still danced with my boyfriend – always a challenge, as he has danced longer and is on a much higher level. With him, I learned a lot, too (when my ego finally shut up), as I did everytime we went to various Salsa parties at the weekend. I got it in my head that, if I continued on this path, I would be good enough to dance in shows with my boyfriend some day, as he has been doing for some time now.

Then came Corona. (cue dramatic music)
No dancing for three months. My flow interrupted, my progress stagnant. After the reopening/ loosening of all the rules, there were no dance parties, and I have only danced again with my boyfriend ever since once a week.πŸ˜‘πŸ˜¬πŸ˜‘

And somehow, dancing is no fun anymore. πŸ˜• It is frustrating to me to know where I was before Corona and to see how hard some figures and turns and techniques are to me now that I had danced gracefully before. It is even more frustrating to me that my boyfriend still does them with ease, while I am struggling (and I am angry at myself for feeling this). Furthermore, when I am dancing, I can not lie; all my emotions are translated in body language, so my frustration and anger are in plain sight, which makes me feel vulnerable. Never a good position to be in.

Frustration. Hurt pride. Anger. Slapped ego. Struggling. Vulnerability.
Feeling happy and lighthearted and free feels like a million dance miles away.

To add to my frustration, my boyfriend remarked quite innocently yesterday that he feels we need to develop as a dance couple; feel each other more and react more sensitively to the partner. Not that I do not agree, in theory. However, how am I supposed to tune in to him when I am so busy with my own feet/ arms/ self?! (Note: I had explained all the above to him, and he had listened attentively, which I love. He suggested improving as a couple as my aim, which is cute, but cueless and not helping in a situation where I already feel not good enough. Today, I kind of see his point…)

I wish I could go back to times when dancing was the aim and brought me joy. And I find myself wondering how to do that without a real answer, so today I mainly feel sad.😒

One good thing, however, came out of my downward internal spiral to moody frustration and deliberation: I said I had got it in my head to dance shows with my boyfriend one day. Cue in, me! The HEAD is no good compass. I actually do not want this, this is not my aim. It has been ego and pride and a wrong sense of competition that compelled me to this absurd idea of show dance. Thank God I can let that go! πŸ™

I want other things. I want dancing to bring me joy again. If only I knew how to get there.

Author: carasmelody

daydreamer, hopelessly hopeful, I love the power of words, I love poems, words are soulfood

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