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Mindfulness as a duty?

I am good at being responsible and diligent when doing tasks. So I punctually work off my to-do lists and really try to do my best.

Therefore, when I set foot on my mindful path more than two years ago, I did this with responsibility and diligence and a plan. Yoga, or my thankfulness diary, or meditation, or my “Ein guter Plan“ calendar, or a combination of all of those, were my methods to follow this path. Amen.

Somewhere along the way, I felt like mindfulness was another duty to be fulfilled next to cleaning the bathroom and grocery shopping and everything included in my job. It got so far that I felt guilty when all I wanted in the evening was a mug of tea and a chick flick. It got so far I did not notice this inner subconscious resentment I felt towards my mindful path.

Until Italy. Somehow, the six days we spent in Italy were like a reset. Cancel everything. Just be yourself. You know who you are.

And since I was back, I have felt different. More aware. Or more ready to listen?

Additionally, I have had an appointment with a new coach shortly after our return, and come to realize I am indeed good at doing things, this and that. Doing. 😛Taking action. I always knew that. However, mindfulness isn’t about doing things. It is about knowing myself, listening to myself, developing to become a person that is true. (at least to me, this might not be how you see it…)

Slowly in these last few weeks, I have come to realize, that I do know myself. I, however, seem to suck at listening to myself sometimes. 😇😢 Or one could say: on my pursuit to live a mindful life and to develop as a person, I have forgotten the value of quiet. Of stillness. Of just doing what feels good, instead of analyzing the mindfulness of something.

So yeah. I am not “doing“ as much as I had done before Italy.

It is not that I do not practise Yoga anymore, I do. Sometimes even at 5.45 in the morning before school – yet I do this because it feels awesome to stretch and energize, not to tick it off my list. Furthermore, I have enrolled in a weekly Yoga class that challenges and thoroughly calms me.
And I often feel extremely grateful for my life and its richness, the people I love and all the little things I appreciate. Only I do not write about it daily, only sometimes, when I feel like it and it comes from the heart.
I also meditate rarely with guided meditations these days, it seems so restricted. Instead I might find myself on my sofa or in the hot tub listening to some instrumental playlist, my mind wandering and utterly emptying. I love these moments.

And, ok, I admit it. Every once in a while I watch a rom com or some stupid series, or just read a good book with a happy ending that teaches me nothing but leaves me with a smile on my face before bed.😊😊😊 (Or I watch my boyfriend chasing the cats to the same effect…😛)

Ultimately, it feels as if my days are full and happy and I feel I am free. And isn’t that an awesome step on my self-declared path?

Author: carasmelody

daydreamer, hopelessly hopeful, I love the power of words, I love poems, words are soulfood

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