I am lying on my back on a sandy ground in a kind of canyon. The earth is red and the sky is blue, there is no cloud to be seen. I feel safe and warm, the sun is shining on my face, and a soft breeze is caressing my tanned skin. I close my eyes and silence my thoughts.
It has been years now, and I feel I have been running ever since.
All of a sudden, literally out of nowhere, the ground begins to shake and break. I feel it opening up, ready to swallow me in a big abyss, and as I open my eyes in shock, I gulp. The air is scorching and poisonous, so I jump up and I run, as fast as I can, always looking back to check that the ever-growing abyss does not catch up with me.
On the way, I have picked up strength, which has helped me battle my demons but not my emotions. I have picked up courage, which has helped me face hard truths. I have picked up fear, too, which has only made me run faster. And I have picked up trust in my feet, in the ground under it and in myself.
None of them made me stop. None of them helped me to stop running.
Thus, I have been running ever since, the abyss behind me like broken dreams and the dirty air full of unsaid words. My heartbeat is strong and steady, yet I am tired of running – I do not even know where to. I have no tears left to cry, as I feel empty. Still I keep on running.
On the way, I stumbled upon pieces of myself I thought I had lost forever. Casually dropped on the path, I picked up independence and self-esteem, alongside with a sparkle I thought had been lost a long time ago. The pieces give me hope.
I was wondering if I could stop.
On the way through the battlefield, through rocks and pebbles and sand, I noticed love, but never have I had the time to pick it up fully.
Until one day it hit me in the chest, literally. My steps since then have felt lighter, as if I have had more energy and purpose. Still, I did not stop running for a long time, but have taken love with me like all the other things I casually have found on the way. I have looked back less, have wondered more about where to go – yet I could not see the road ahead.
When I finally stopped, it was due to exhaustion taking over and the feeling that it was time to stop. Finally. And so I am finding myself on the ground again, facing the clear blue sky, desperately gasping for air. A rumble and shiver of the ground is telling me that the ground beneath me is still breaking away, as it has always been.
I am done running. I close my eyes and stay. I open my heart to all I have picked up and embrace it. The noise of the abyss is growing louder, and I am painfully feeling every single rock breaking away. Yet here I am. I feel safe, I feel sand underneath my skin and wind in my hair. The tears I had not cried forever are falling and the air around me is clearing. Yet I am not falling. The abyss has not taken me, though it has reached me.
I am still here. I feel light and free. And I find myself smiling. When I turn my head to the left, an abyss is greeting me like an old friend. When I then turn my head to the right, I can see it. A road. My road. And it is sparkling.