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Where to start: change

– for M. Thx for reminding me. Grazie.

If you should name how you started to live a life (for me, that was about 4 years ago) that was more self-aware and mindful, what would you say? Where does one start?

The first thing that has come to my mind was: I remember the feeling that I wanted “more”. Although the more I thought I wanted at that time did not turn out to be the more I actually needed, but that is neither here nor there.

I remember the moment I felt I wanted more, and at the same time I felt ridiculous, coz I kind of had it all. That feeling was surreal and most unwelcome. And honestly, what more could I want? I could not even define this “more”, could not even say precisely what it was I needed, more, what kind of word is that?

All I knew was: I want more.

I wish I could say that consequently I started my journey to find out more about what I wanted. I wish I had.

What I really did, was listen to reason. I told myself: you have a good life. You have built a new life, you have redirected your career, you have friends and family and and and. I listed things I had to convince myself I did not need more. For a while, I succeeded.

I also remember complaining to a friend about some thing or another (best bet: a guy I was dating) and her telling me something like: If you always do the same things, you will always get the same results. And how when I was ready to change, she’d point me in the right direction, but…  (unsaid: seems you’re not ready).
Offended, I sulked. And wondered. And remembered the feeling of: I want more. And told myself: If I want more, something has to change.

I did not know what that more was. I did not know what should change. I knew I wanted change, though. I wanted more.

So I contacted my friend and she suggested some life coach videos and her actual life coach, who I called and made an appointment with.

After that, I remember lying on my couch and looking around and inside myself. Suddenly I saw my life with different eyes, as of I had removed the glasses. I remember feeling exhausted, and tired of pretending, and sad and hopeful at the same time. I remember I felt empty and wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I did not.

I cried honest tears for the first time in years in one of the meetings with Alexandra (I remember thinking about cancelling my appointment five times, but I did not; I also remember I swore to try whatever the life coach suggested, and I did. She gave me a start, the rest I did myself).

And what really stuck in my head is what she said while I was crying my desperate tears, judging myself for wanting more and at the same time feeling so lost because my life was not enough, kind of.

It is ok to want more.

So I guess what I am trying to say is: trust yourself and what is inside you. You do know the way. You are your life, after all.

Author: carasmelody

daydreamer, hopelessly hopeful, I love the power of words, I love poems, words are soulfood

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