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Forgiveness and me #1

When you asked me in recent years about forgiveness, I’d probably roll my eyes or scoffed. Yeah. Not my favourite topic. Not something I did.
No, I am usually not easy to enstrange and patient with others; yet when I was done with someone, or someone hurt me enough, I felt: why should I forgive?

Additionally, I have never understood those sentences people threw around me. ” It is time to forgive. It helps. It makes it easier.”
Stubbornly, I might press my lips together when getting this well meant advice, to refrain from saying something like: ” Well, I do not want to. I do not need to. Why do I need help?” Surely I mentally rolled my eyes.

This attitude has changed in the last months. These have been tough for me…
1) My paternal grandmother, whom I had not had contact with for the last years, died suddenly in June.
2) I apologized for something I felt no need to apologize for to my mother-in-law, but did it coz by being me I had hurt her – and to ultimately keep the already fragile illusion of peace; and got all my mistakes and shortcomings thrown in my face. Duh?

I am still not totally sure what exactly happened, but those two events lead to a shift in my perception. I felt nothing, and that was weird – I cried more tears when my old cats died three years ago. Regarding the second event, I can only say I was shocked and I felt I never wanted to be that unforgiving. Was I?

So, I looked myself in the eyes in my introspective mirror and did not really like what I saw. I did not want to not care. Neither did I want to be hard, or bitter, or unforgiving.

And like a drop on water, these thoughts created emotional waves. …

(to be continued)

Author: carasmelody

daydreamer, hopelessly hopeful, I love the power of words, I love poems, words are soulfood

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