My texts

December? Omg! December!

Wow, somehow it has been more than three months since my last blog post. How the hell has that happened?

The last thing I remember is: it was summer, it was hot, I felt like I had lost my spirit and my words and thus I needed a break from this blog… and so I deleted the app from my phone.

My intention was to see if, once the “pressure” to write something was eliminated, I would find joy in playing with thoughts and emotions and ideas, in writing again. Just because the actual writing brings me joy, not because I feel I have to put something on my blog on a regular basis. (after all, it is my blog, just mine, so I make the rules – go figure.)
And also, deep down, I found myself wondering… if I did not write my blog, would I finally sit down and truly write one of the stories whirling around in my head?

To cut a long story short: “no” to the latter, “yes” to the first. 🙂 Happy december to all of you!


P.S.: If these lines seem unround to you, I humbly apologize. Baby steps…

Cherished moments

Sitting on the bench home in Austria with my usual morning coffee, I feel like I can close my eyes and revisit some awesome moments of my stay at my parent’s. Thank you, everyone, for a lovely time home away from home.

.. watching my mother play Kniffel (and lose, but she had 2 Kniffel each round and was still cheerful)
… guessing songs and interprets with my family in the evening while enjoying a summer night on the terrace (drinks included)
… soaking in the hot tub and smelling the familiar scents of my mother’s shampoo and shower gel
… cuddling my sister’s cat and looking at his happy babyface while lounging in the awesome garden in the evening and the light is changing
… laughing hysterical tears with my dad after my sister has established her victory loudly (as if anyone else ever wins against her in this house, no matter which game we play, so why bother?)
… eating cake with my grandparents (90 and 92 years old) on my birthday and later meeting family friends for dinner – the woman I consider a kind of aunt asks me if my boyfriend is “the one” and an instant smile is my answer
… preparing lunch for my family one day, puttering about in the old-fashioned small kitchen
… catching up with two friends from school that I haven’t seen forever and slipping into this conversation so easily, like in old times
… helping prepare our family barbecue and sitting in the garden, enjoying a family meal on the single sunny day of my stay (hardly possible it is August, feels like April)
…bumping my head twice in the bed under the tilted roof
… sitting in the swing chair and watching the neighbours
… meeting a friend for a chat and really talking and listening, letting her challenge my way of thinking
… doing yoga because I feel like it and let it bring me joy (though the walls are too close in that room…)
… reading the newspaper with my parents and solving crosswords with them
… listening to my sister and my dad bickering, while my mum and me roll our eyes
… knowing some things do not change♡

Love ♡

When I started driving
away from home,
seeing my mother, father and sister in the rearview mirror,
getting smaller and smaller
yet still waving
and standing on the front steps,

I felt so much love.

And I could not shake the feeling
I had forgotten something, but what…?

Only after a few hours on the road
I realized that
I had left some love there,
which was and has always been there.

I have enough in me, after all.

Press pause #3

or… what do I wish to do and feel and be in these next weeks of summer? 🙂

Here is what I have come up with: 


–  Forgive and heal
(here I have started Laura Malina Seiler’s free online Mini-Kurs Heal & Forgive)


– Only contact who I would like to see and listen to with an open heart


– Enjoy time in my hometown in Germany with old friendships and family (check ♡)


– Explore the area of my Austrian hometown with my amore once I am back and create new moments and memories (bacio :* )


– Stay with what I want and dream of and let these dreams surface


– Do more of what makes me happy, i.e. really establish my routines and rituals (yoga, meditating, going for walks, riding my bike along the lake, …) without putting them in my daily schedule; establish them in such a way that they are the first things I yearn to do once I have leisure time (challenging, but working fine so far)


– Reduce watching the news/ reading them (see: routines instead)


– Reduce tv/ screen time (see: routines)


– Do not write to do lists (I know, ridiculous 🙂 🙂 )


Apart from the last point, I feel confident. 🙂 What are things you would like to establish this summer?

Press pause #2

Being back from Crete, I would not be me if I wasn’t already wondering how to implement a certain amount of alone time in my everyday life to keep the to me positive effects flowing. 🙂 Obviously, it is impossible to stay completely off the grid when I am working – yet these two ideas might be a start.

Tune in
Tuning the world and its people out means there is space for emptiness, and for tuning in to myself. This sounds simple and is true for me.

When I do that (sometimes with the help of some instrumental mixes), I feel able to notice how I feel and what I want / what I want more of. Besides, it suddenly seems possible to tune out all the voices around me (parents, future mother-in-law, friends and their lives and plans, boyfriend, my job,…) and to take a step back to look for some answers – or at least ask good questions.

What do I want? How do I envision the next months of my life? What would I like to accomplish or realize? How do I want to feel? What do I need to learn?

Accept Chaos
Some days during our vacation, admittedly, all this time and space was too much. Too much surfaced in me and thus I felt unable to sit still, there was so much turmoil inside me and I could not filter this or adjust quickly enough to this flood of emotions or thoughts. The chaos of thoughts and memories and images inside of me was overwhelming to me.

However, I hung on and just let chaos rule. To my astonishment, afterwards in me I felt a new sense of order and belonging which was freeing. I am not sure how many of these I-can not – sit – still – days are good for my sanity, though, as they made me want to jump out of my skin. 😉 Best to be lived in small doses.

Pressed pause #1

After two weeks away from everyday life, the stuff I usually do, the people I usually meet, I feel like I have pressed pause for some time.

Hardly any input, demands, problems to solve, things to decide.
Just pause. It felt amazing to fly to Crete with no expectations and no plans. All I did was what I was in the mood for.

Therefore no, no diver’s course for me. No daily yoga. No list to keep track of how often I meditated or did sports. No monitoring my habits or thoughts. The only resolution I had for this vacation was: be kind to yourself, and others.

And I did. I was kind to myself, to my body and mind, to my boyfriend and to others. And I listened to the thoughts hurling around inside my head, without acting on them, as well as to the emotions surfacing and the vivid dreams I had. Just listened. Saw. Heard. No judging or hushing. Just listening.

Sometimes I did some sports, because I wanted to feel exhausted after doing Step Aerobic at 37 °, or I  participated in Yoga or Stretch classes, because I needed to be still and enjoyed the familiar vinyasa flows.
My boyfriend and me walked on the beach at night, or went for drinks;  we even booked archery, just to try something new, and together.

I did read lots of books, good ones and bad ones – and found designs in the clouds, and dreamed looking at the ocean.

All this empty space, in my mental calendar and physical life, was so good for me. A part of me regrets that I did not explore the island so much; yet I feel like I can breathe again and like there is room inside me and like my sense of self has been restored.

Welcome back, me. New roads to take, old relevations rediscovered, rest of the holidays to be appreciated. 🙂

Dreams

I wanna grow old with you,
spend each day and night by your side,
know all your quirks and love you for them still,
feel at home in your arms always.

I wanna sit in front of our own house with you-
living in the country I chose to be my home
and that has given me roots, as do you,
while we give each other wings.

I wanna sit there and know:
we are here because of love,
and we are leading an amazing life
together, one that is real.

Locked away

Meditation music
does not calm my inner storm
though I can lie still
inside it seems I can’t

(it is ok)

Too restless to listen to this quietly;
started a sci-fi book and
discarded it after 5 chapters – not my world, not the one I would like to create.

(it is not for me, not today)

Favourite songs playlist pleases me,
finally;
staring at the clouds,
thoughts passing by aimlessly –
yet no dreams…

(it does not matter)

Still no dreams,
as if inside me there were none –
when I know there are so many, …

I know they are there
I trust they’ll come when they are ready

and take me away.

Somewhere. Sometime.

To manifest – Versuch einer Liste

Seit dem ersten Lockdown habe ich viele Bücher und Podcasts verschlungen, zum Thema achtsam leben und sich weiterentwickeln zu dem Menschen, der ich sein will. Gerade in den letzten Monaten war ich jedoch so “gesättigt” und habe für mich gespürt: genug input. Jetzt wird geübt 🙂 und versucht, diese für mich wichtigen Erkenntnisse im Alltag zu fühlen und zu integrieren.

Hier seht ihr den Versuch einer Liste – jedoch fällt es mir schwer, die Gefühle hinter jedem Satz in Worte zu fassen, die kommen, wenn ich sie für mich innerlich wiederhole…

– Es stehen mir alle Wege offen, ich kann alles sein.

– Es ist jetzt richtig. Morgen sehe ich, ob es dann auch noch richtig ist.

– Die Antworten sind in mir.

– Ich kann es zulassen und fühlen, und und bleibe immer ich selbst.

– Ich vertraue dem Leben und den guten Mächten; Dinge geschehen zum richtigen Zeitpunkt und zu meinem Besten.

Was möchtet ihr manifestieren? 🙂

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