Sometimes it feels like I am always justifying myself…
for the daughter I am, for the people I loved, for the hurt snd pain I felt, for the choices I’ve made, and the ones I should have but did not; for the values I cherish, for the boundaries I set and keep setting, for the friends I do not miss and the ones I do; for the things I do not choose to take responsibility for, as well as for the ones I do; for the fact I do not like to ask for help, for my values and dreams, for standing alone, for protecting myself, for being me.
It is hard for me to show my vulnerability. My loved ones make it easy, nearly effortless. I feel loved and supported… so precious! ♡ Thank you.
When the walls around my fears crumbled, and tears and anxious words tumbled over you and me, the beauty of us …
When anger and panic were right in pursuit, and a seemingly huge helplessness ensued; between you and me, there was still beauty …
When every stone of those walls had finally fallen, and my fragility completely been exposed, you were still standing next to me, with all the ones who love me.
Assessment: my no-shopping resolution … or how did I do?
It has been about two months, and I thought it might be good to take stock on my zero-shopping intention.
In September, I bought nothing for myself – I did buy wedding gifts for my sister and her husband, and a birthday present for my dad and my friend. Those I actually do not consider shopping, they were gifts. 🙂 Although I had ordered new dancing shoes (my flat ones are worn out), none convinced me so I am still dancing in the old ones. In the beginning of the school year, I tried my grey laptop backpack for my daily train ride to school; yet quickly my doubts were confirmed: it was too small for my books, folder, agenda/ booklet for marks, pencil case, lunch box, umbrella and other odds and ends. Consequently, I bought the one I had seen weeks before – online and with a woman’s day discount in the middle of October (124 Euro) to replace the smaljer one. The new one totally suits my needs and I am happy every day that everything fits in it easily. I have to say, it felt good to have bought only this one thing – and different, as I had consciously opted for it after trying another option. (metaphorically handing myself flowers for this month)
Later in October, I went on a school trip I had organised – to Florence, Italy. The friend I had made the resolution with in summer gave me a free pass – when on holiday, when in Italy 🙂 Cute, and my heart felt lighter for it. After all, who does not love Italian fashion? However, I tried to stick to the only-things-I-need-to-replace/basics-I-do-not-have-anymore idea as much as possible … with medium success. Finally, here is what I bought: – 2 leather belts (rose, brown – new colours for me) – 1 pair of black flats (at home: 0) – 1 pair of back sneakers suitable for school (at home: only sporty ones) – 1 pullover (berry-coloured, new for me too) – 1 pair of black pants, 7/8 style (at home: 0) – 1 scarf (O can not deny it, I just looove scarves…) – 1 wallet (to replace mine ehich is falling apart) Cost of these items: about 230 Euro.
Last but not least, my husband and me spent the days before Halloween in Dresden. What did I buy here? 1 woolen headband on day 1, coz I was freezing and had not packed one. Cost: 13 Euro. To sum it up: September started well, as is usual for the first phase of a resolution. 😉 I know I did not stick to the zero- shopping resolution once away from home, yet I feel I am getting better at not buying random stuff just because hey, I am shopping… and I feel less tempted even. The thought “I have enough of this” frequently popped up when I was browsing.
Therefore, I will try even harder to remember this thought in November and December, even though winter is coming (GOT reference intended).
One wave was that all of a sudden I realized: my maternal grandparents and me had not talked in a year, in a year…! How had that happened? We had not talked since my grandfather had hung up on me a day before my mum had had her manic meltdown last autumn (we were arguing in this emotional phase), not since he has not picked up nor called back the folliwing day.
Would I feel nothing, too, if they died unexpectedly (if you can say that, they are over 90….)? I knew I would not. We had been close(r). I spent years of my childhood with them, thus I have wonderful memories. I brought my husband, then still my boyfriend, to meet them before we moved in with each other. My grandmother has influenced me, who I am. I knew I missed them, had been missing them, but was terribly mad still about how they put blame on us for my mother’s illness.
I really hated that I did not know what to do about this. I did not want to forgive, neither could I ignore the shift in me. Not knowing what to do only made me grumpier. My husband one day asked me: “What would it cost you to just call?” And a very mindful friend whom I talked to when hiking in August put it in a nutshell: “Isn’t that what love comes down to?”
I knocked on my grandparents’ door two weeks ago when I was in Germany. I was let in. It was a bit strange at first, yet I was hugged by both of them and felt tears dripping out of my eyes (and can feel them now) when they did. We chatted a bit in the garden, I showed pics of our wedding and got subsequently teased it was time for me to become a Mom (some things do not change 😉 ). After an hour of talk I left and cried in my car.
I never thought I’d ever say this, but forgiving them has helped me. In this situation, my grandparents did not ask for it and I showed up on their doorstep by my free will. It is hard to describe the feelings I had afterwards, on my way home. It took me a while to put them in words, I was very confused.
I felt much lighter, way lighter. And I felt peace, most of all. With them, but also with me. I love them, and they are human and make mistakes. So am I, right? It is a powerful feeling, this peace and ease of mind. I can look in the mirror now and like what I see when it comes to them.
P.S.: I wish I could say “Now, whoever you are, I will try to forgive you. (Even if you do not want me to. Or need me to. Or ask for it. I’ll do.) My heart is big enough to take it.” with everyone. Afraid I can’t. One does not transform from an emotional human to a saintlike person. However, I feel less that it’s their fault, and can accept some situations are not easy… so my hard feelings have softened. Well, baby steps.
Well, three months later, I kind of have a new label. Fiancée. 🙂
Which is so cool! Since we got engaged this past summer, my boyfriend – no, fiancé, sorry, I still have not got used to calling him that – and me have learned a lot about each other, and our relationship has changed, in a way, and stayed the same, in another way. Changed because there is a new depth there, a bond that is hard to describe; the same because we are still the same people, one of them with solid roots and one with solidifying one and wings, yet both dancing.
Sometimes I really can’t believe how lucky we are, to have kind of waited for each other, and held on. For this I am deeply grateful, as I am for the man by my side.
Naively, I once thought getting engaged was the big deal; it was always clear to me I wished for a simple ceremony, not an over-the-top one. Reality check? His wishes matter, too, and even if you want simple, there are tons of decisions to make. 😉
Therefore, these past few months of wedding planning, I have learned to melt his ideas for our ceremony with mine, and to really listen, so that our wedding is going to be a reflection of his wishes and my vision at the same time. It has been a truly great time, too, to scout locations together, have a food tasting with goid friends, to agree on dates and listen to a potential band/ duo, look for and buy rings and book a photographer and brainstorm ideas together. Plus, mostly our guts said the same about many decisions, so that our plans got very concrete quite quickly 🙂 We have met really wonderful people, the manager of our location and our celebrant only two of them, not to mention all the ones around us that support us with ideas and tips and connections. A huge thank you to all of you!
Of course, in some cases, unfortunately, advice and help has come with strings and expectations attached; we have thus learned to give those only minimal attention yet to firmly do it our way. It was not easy to do this with minimal damage to relationships … For us, this has meant to set boundaries again and again, an exhausting business, yet a necassary one, and one we have dealt with together.
Additionally, I have learned that I do want to wear a beautiful white dress, which my lovely sister and also maid of honour, and a wonderful friend helped me find (thanks again, bacini!!). It was a bit shocking, my free spirit self envisioned a completely different, rather bohemian version of a wedding dress, yet when I looked in the mirror wearing THE dress, I cried. Very movielike, yet overwhelmingly real to me. Of course I bought it, and another friend is keeping it for me in her house (saying: what girl can say she had two wedding dresses in her wardrobe? 🙂 ).
It has been an adventure so far, and I am curious to see where it takes us. Next step: decoration and flowers. Can’t wait. 🙂
Manchmal sind die Dinge im Umbruch, und ich spüre es. Manchmal ändert sich etwas in mir, und ich fühle es. Manchmal möcht ich diese kleinen Entwicklungen in mir festhalten, und mich daran erinnern, was ich gespürt und gefühlt habe.
So wie heute in der Sonne an diesem herrlichen Frühlingstag. Ich wünsche euch ebenfalls Zeit, um etwas in euch hineinzuspüren!
On Sunday I flew to London to make my way to Cambridge summer university. Sticking to my resolution of not overplanning, I did not book anything but the flights and the course.
Well, meeting my expectations, the flight was late, so I spent the afternoon in the airconditioned airport at Zurich binge reading 400 pages of my book, drinking coffee. So far, so good!;) On the plane, though, they made us wait another hour before take-off. It annoyed me initially, yet on the bright side: More undisturbed reading. Chatting with my neighbour and sharing snacks. In London then, finally, I discovered the airport there was not airconditioned (don`t know why I was surprised, why would it?)and I waited for what felt like forever in the heat to get my luggage. Thankfully, google maps provided me with the stage of planning I now was in desperate need of to calm my nerves, and I had mapped out a route to Cambridge.. – this plan was soon discarded when I saw the queue at customs, and the secondary plan again when I saw the queue at the ticket booth. My unexperienced yet determined non-planner`s soul sure was challenged.
Luckily, the man at the bus stop was as helpful as the English are said to be, and I found the right bus to the next railway station after checking out only 3 wrong ones; there I had dinner to calm my stomach and nerves. After all, it is said there is nothing chocolate chip cookies can`t fix, not even a cancelled train at 8.30 pm when in a hurry.:( While waiting for the next train, I binge read another 100 pages, which I continued doing on the two subsequent trains (one was delayed, the other on time; neither shocked me at that point). Needless to say, I finished Paige Toons “The one we fell in love with”, another book to recommend, btw, before I got to Cambridge.
When the sign at the station finally stated “Cambridge”, I was positive and excited. I was here, at last; I could not wait to check out my dorm room on campus!
Taxis in England provided me with another lesson to be learned, one I had neither expected nor cared for much, at that time. Eager to arrive, I determinedly walked out of the station up the sidewalk in the drizzle to the taxis waiting at the back of the taxi lane that were obviously still free (numerous ones were passing by already), only to find that, once I was there, they seemed to have started the engine to go to the beginning of the taxi lane 10 metres to my left, leaving me standing there. I was utterly confused and noticed others getting in MY taxis!!!! I could not believe it.
Another British gentleman saved me from my misery when he parked his taxi in front of me, even though me, the ignorant foreigner, was standing in the middle of the taxi lane, and explained I should have just waited in the front (in a queue, as usual in Britain…^^) and I would have been picked up. 😉 I did not care much for a lesson in British taxi etiquette at that time, yet the twinkle he explained it with took the edge off the lesson. Plus, I was ridiculously grateful he had overlooked my breech of etiquette and was taking me to Homerton College, where I collapsed in bed at midnight.
Since this UK keyboard provides me with more challenges than my hungry stomach can manage at the moment (after my second full day here), I`m off to dinner now. To be continued though 🙂
On Sunday I flew to London to make my way to Cambridge summer university. Sticking to my resolution of not overplanning, I did not book anything but the flights and the course.
Cara`s Melody 