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… with you ❤

I do not have to plan my future
I like the life we live in the present
I do not have to consider having kids
I know I want you to be their father
I do not have to think about marriage
I love you every day I am with you
I do not have to wonder about the next step
I always look forward to seeing you anyway
I do not have to imagine our life
I feel like we are actually creating it together

So no, I do not have a plan. I have a life.

(Foto: pixababy)

Communicating with you ❤

I love that
I can tell you how I feel
and you always take my feelings seriously

I love that
we can talk about stuff
and we find a solution together
one that suits both of us
and reflects both our characters

I love that
you always make me fell better then
and you never refuse to hold me at night

Photo by Renato Abati on

Happy and real

I have always been a sucker for happy ends. I used to love reading books where a boy and a girl meet and fall in love and dance around each other until they finally end up together. Happy End. I still do love these stories, they are easy to read, give me a good feeling, a glimpse of something every girl is supposed to secretly dream about.
Or take those wonderful films that you do not actually need to watch to know the ending, beginning with Disney films or all the other chick flicks. Romantic. Idyllic. Love is the answer. A prince or something similar to that, a hero.

What has always been bothering me about those books and films is: nobody knows how the story goes on AFTER the happy end. And I have been wondering: what has been their story after they got together? And, am I the only one that is bothered by this industry of selling happy endings to masses?

Today when I binged on Julia Engelmann – do I LOVE her poetry!!!! – it struck me, a quote she has: it is not about the “Happy End”. It is about your own story.

… reality?
Maybe that is why so many films and books end when the couple comes together. Because in fact, this is the point when it often gets messy. We know it all, don`t we? Falling in love, being on cloud nr 9, smiling and sending early morning kisses via the phone or silly good night texts. This is the part that feels like cloud walking, that is easy and addictive and a ridiculously happy phase.

After that, it is not always easy. Two people, two lives, two mindsets and sets of habits and dreams and wishes. Who gives up their apartment when it comes to moving in? Who considers moving to another city even, if the partner needs to? How do you best spend Sunday evenings? What about silly things like chores, that always are the object of an argument? Where to go on holiday? How much time is spent actively being with each other?

Everybody today wants to realize their dreams, pursue their own way of happiness. It is a fine line to walk as a couple: having enough in common and spending enough quality time together to keep the connection and on the other hand following your own road and having me-time, for your own dreams and desires. What seems harder to me still is finding your balance on the tightrope between letting go and holding on to each other, and still not losing sight of the person you love – yourself, and him.

Having said that and realized that, I must reconsider what I said before. It is obvious why those films and books end with the “Happy End” exactly at the moment the couple is finally together. It is the only palpable way to picture happiness: we are together now, yes! (short of ending the story with a wedding, but that would be super cheesy and is only cool in Lord of the Rings, if you ask me…!)

A relationship that is real includes all kinds of moments of happiness, that might be so individual to the story and the people in it that someone from outside, a viewer or reader, might not even get. This of course includes two people walking the line I tried to put into words above, and this is neither 100% romantic in the common sense nor really tangible, and it does not have a time limit. How could anyone put this fight for balance and love in a film of 90 minutes, or in a book of 270 pages?

Is this not something that takes a lifetime to figure out?


I keep them in me
The memories we’ve made
They are mine to keep

And sometimes
in nostalgic but nevertheless happy moments
I let them out
so I have them spread out inside of me
beautiful snapshots

Cider by the lake and the beginning of a conversation that has been ongoing since then
Dancing Salsa on the trail
My feet in your lap
Kisses in the rain
The smell of your shirt, on me
Your name on my display, constantly
Mischief in your eyes when you slap my behind
Sunbathing and fooling around carelessly
My fingers tracing your ink
An audio singing me good morning one day
Laughter shared on our walk
Bench hopping and kissing
Your arms holding me at night, once
A thousand smiles I owe to you

Should it make me sad that this is gone?
It makes me curious what is next.
It makes me wonder if it is gone, or has just changed.
After all, it is still in me.


Another old one I finally let go of. Sometimes it seems I’m doing nothing else, but well.. Another weight lifted off my shoulders: check! I feel a spring in my step 🙂 

How dare you come back
and say lightly ‘ we have nothing to lose’
when you were not around then
to see me silently retracing my steps, going backwards,
stopping every now and then to pick up a shard of my soul
you had chipped away one way or the other?

How dare you come back
and speak about forgiveness
when you were not around to ask for it, having me blaming myself until I finally realized
all I had to do is forgive myself, as if that was lightly done.

I found my fragments and forgiveness. So you see,
there is nothing light when I tell you:

I do have everything to lose
and nothing to give to you.